


Neon Lights

by KagamiSorciere



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: >>>SUICIDE TW for the sad ending!!, A Choose Your Own Ending- happy or sad- oneshot, Angst Train, F/M, Kylo ren the movie star, Modern AU, Prostitution, not for everyone, other bad stuff- kylo's a fuckin mess yall, tw drugs, tw suicide, yall have been warned!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 10:17:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14746953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KagamiSorciere/pseuds/KagamiSorciere
Summary: Kylo Ren is the highest paid movie star in the world. He's also the number one drug user, number one patron of any whore pretty enough to catch his attention. But her voice never leaves his head. It won't leave him alone. And all he can do is replay their parting over and over and over again.... [[This story has TWO ENDINGS- happy and sad! Because I couldn't make up my mind and the angst was so good. But y'all-- the sad ending is SAD. Read the TAGS. And a reminder that drama is drama and not real life.]]





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story inspired by this song by John Paul White called "Neon": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxybswQ4MQM
> 
> "One more day of treading water  
> Slowly drifting farther  
> Out into the blue  
> Moving pictures out of focus  
> My direction's hopeless  
> From any point of view
> 
> Eye, eye on neon lights  
> Flashing through my window  
> The only thing that I know  
> Is I miss you  
> How I miss you  
> And I'm sorry
> 
> One more room in one more hotel  
> Young girls with their heart sell  
> Blessings and a curse  
> One more slip into temptation  
> This whole situation  
> Goes from bad to worse,  
> Worse
> 
> Eye, eye on neon lights  
> Flashing through my window  
> The only thing that I know  
> Is I miss you  
> How I miss you  
> And I'm sorry
> 
> I'm sorry"

With every stroke into the pliant young thing beneath him, another line from the last time he saw _her_ floated through his disjointed mind.

" _Ben, I can't do this!"_

The girl's breathy moans beneath him.

" _You're going down a road I cannot follow- sound familiar?"_

He grunted into her scented hair.

" _You're falling into the same pattern as your family- the one thing you_ swore _to me would not happen!"_

" _Leave it, Rey."_

" _I will not leave it! I will not watch you spiral with more drugs! More lies! ….I saw the way your hand touched her back."_

" _NO! I would never,_ ever— _"_

With a mewl from her painted lips, he was done with this one. New hands ran down his back.

" _No….maybe not. Not yet. But if you keep doing this…Ben, I'm begging you. Stop going with them. Stop—"_

_A plate smashed._

" _And give up my entire career?! A career THEY can give me?! ….I can't do that, Rey."_

_A shiver. Tears. So many silent tears…_

" _Ben…"_

" _It's Kylo now."_

He thoughtfully crafted the narrow white lines before inhaling.

" _Well….'Kylo'…."_

_Bitterness._

He breathed out. Oblivion beckoned.

" _I hope you get what you wish for. I hope you get it all."_

He was late again, this time two hours past his call time.

"This is _it_ , Kylo!" the producer railed at him- a rare appearance on set lying in wait just to berate him. He was flattered.

"Please, Paul…." he gave a light, exhausted scoff as his fingers danced around the edges of the open seltzer given to him. The dark circles under his eyes, the sallowness of his skin- it would take another two hours in the makeup chair just to make him look human and appealing again.

He looked up at the frazzled, red-faced man.

"You knew what you were getting into when you cast me. Didn't you?"

Paul huffed. "I suppose I did. But I _told_ you this was your last shot. I _told_ you no one else would hire you if you couldn't do this one thing correctly for a change. But I suppose I did….I suppose I did," he repeated, resigned.

Quietly, Kylo began to laugh.

_He's really angry, Ben. I truly think you've ruined it this time._

_You always say that, sweetheart._

The conversation only he could hear continued to play across his face.

_I mean it this time, Ben._

_Say my name again._

… _Ben._

"Look at you," Paul said finally, watching dejectedly as his star muttered to himself before hunching over to bite the edge of his seltzer can. The man's eyes darted here and there, lost in himself.

"Go home, Kylo."

This got his attention. Kylo straightened up, eyes snapping back to the moment before him.

"Paul, I'm here now."

"No. You're done."

"Paul—"

"You're _done._ Go home. Now."

Leaving no room left to argue, the producer left a genuinely surprised Kylo in his wake.

News travelled fast. The cancelled film a final black mark blotting out his name from the memories of everyone worth their paycheck regardless of coast.

He hadn't believed him. _Didn't_ believe him.

He was Kylo Ren.

The highest paid.

The most _fucked_.

Fucked.

Yes, that's what he was now.

The small, clear bag filled with snowy oblivion sat across from him in the car as it raced through the New York city streets. Lights flashed through the windows as it sped along the near empty 2am avenue. Blue neon from a nearby storefront bled into his darkness, casting his vice in a pale, appealing color it didn't deserve.

It reminded him of the sky in the park that one day. He'd told her it had been the best day of his life. That had been the truth- it still was.

He snatched up the bag and turned it over between his fingertips. Lifting his chin, he eyed it critically; unkempt, unwashed hair falling away from his once elegant face.

" _What do you want most in this world, Ben?"_

" _To be famous."_

_She snickered._

" _Oh, you'll get that. How about something else?"_

" _But I already have you."_

_Soft smiles…_

" _Are you so sure?"_

The corner of his mouth quirked up. Ohh, she was always so good at baiting him along, making him chase. And he always came for her. Always.

Because she was his.

And he was hers.

Except for that day.

That day, he did not pursue. He couldn't. Because Snoke had told him that day would come. The day she would leave. The old man had seemingly predicted everything.

" _She will envy you, Kylo Ren. It is only a matter of time."_

His lip curled.

" _You must prepare yourself for the eventuality."_

He threw the bag across the limo, watching as it burst open, spilling hundreds of dollars irretrievably onto the filthy car floor.

" _You have much better things to occupy yourself with than that waif."_

Suddenly his hands were covering his face.

" _You do want it, don't you? The fame?"_

A choked sob.

" _I can give it to you. Leave her. I can give you it all…"_

Four months with no offers. Four months of spending a third of his money in despondency. He was making his whores and his dealers millionaires.

He screamed. He screamed and he kicked and he thrashed and like that the car was pulled over and the driver was screaming at him but he was too strong- he would have this moment and he wouldn't be removed. He was paying this bastard, too, wasn't he? Wasn't he?

Finally catching his breath, his chest heaved.

"Go," he croaked at the man shouting at him as he held open the door.

"Go," he repeated. "Go to this one place, and I'll leave."

The man tried to argue. Slowly Kylo reached into his inside jacket pocked and pulled out a creased $100 bill. He held it out at the driver without looking at him or it.

"Take it. One place. And I'll go forever."

There was a pause, until he felt the bill gradually leave his fingertips. The passenger door slammed shut, followed by the driver-side door, and the engine roared back to life. The man waited, and Kylo inhaled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY LOOK YOU GET TO CHOOSE YOUR OWN ENDING NOW:::
> 
> Go to the chapter list and pick the HAPPY ending (ch. 2) or the FUCKIN SAD MISERABLE ONE (ch. 3). 
> 
> >>>>READ THE GODDAMN TAGS IF YOU DO THE SAD ONE OK JFC


	2. HAPPY ending

"West Village. Take me to the West Village."

They were closer than he'd anticipated, and soon he'd found himself wandering across Bleecker Street, down deeper into Lower Manhattan. He tripped over the uneven sidewalk under a busted streetlamp.

_Be more careful, Ben._

_No._

_No?_

_No. I'm coming for you._

Silence on these usually raucous streets.

… _what makes you so sure I'll see you?_

The door was less kept than the other buildings around it. He wasn't even sure…wasn't even sure if she still…..

His finger lingered over #2 as his heart beat irregularly in his chest. He pushed it. Pushed it and held it. It didn't take long for the door to click, unlocked by the resident inside. But he didn't want to go inside. He didn't want to _scare_ her like that. He just wanted to….

When the door relocked, he pressed the buzzer again, and again the door unlocked. He let loose a desperate whimper and punched the damn button, hitting it again and again until finally the side of his fist slammed into it with a cry and he gave up, leaning heavily against the stone doorframe, his head buried in the crook of his arm.

Somewhere inside there was a loud slam and the slapping of shoes against the cheap linoleum-lined stairs. A familiar voice wafted down, cursing all the way, until the door swung violently open and she gasped.

He pushed away from the wall in an instant- the instinctive reaction to her presence drawing him back to his best behavior as she gaped up at him with alarm and anger and irritation and _concern._

Her mouth clicked shut.

Dear god, why doesn't she _say_ something?

The silence as she held the door open, just staring at him, brought the tears back to his eyes as his face contorted in agony.

She was here.

She was _here._

Standing in front of him in night pants and flip flops, she was here and she was _real._

Like a wayward sinner, he dropped to his knees. His head bowed before her.

"…Ben?" he heard her ask meekly, quietly.

It was like a shard of light, that name, on her lips, striking across his darkened soul. Suddenly, he breathed in as he dared to look up at her.

He had missed her face _so much._ He stared at her with wonder.

" _Ben?_ " she prodded again, a little more forcefully this time, until his eyes finally seemed to move and he swallowed hard.

"I'm done," he croaked finally.

Rey looked back at him confused.

"I'm done, Rey."

Her _name._

"They ruined me like you said. And I let them. I let them…."

He brought up his hand to cover his mouth as the pain came back.

"And _I_ ruined me!" he sobbed. "And I'm done. I'm done!"

He curled in on himself at her feet, leaving the poor girl lost and stunned. Had she followed his career when they parted? Did she read the tabloids detailing his worst exploits? Because they were true. All of it. It was all true.

What was he doing sullying her doorstep like this?

She didn't deserve this.

Then a soft press against his shoulder.

"Ben…" came his name again.

"I'm sorry!" he cried out suddenly. "I'm so, so sorry! Oh Rey…"

He was choking on his tears and the bile and his skin was beginning to _itch_ and he knew he'd be in trouble soon.

"Oh god, Rey, what have I done? What have I done?"

His head came down onto the metal plating of her threshold. He was shaking with withdrawal and with his sobs and now she couldn't even shut her door on him.

"Ben, please," he heard her whisper. She pressed her hand more firmly against his shoulder.

Sucking in a breath, he tried to right himself.

"I hear you," he confessed, "I hear you constantly. In my mind. In my thoughts. Always the only part of me there to ever suggest anything good to me in a sea of assholes looking to leverage off my reputation."

He scoffed, trying to wipe a bit of the wet off his face despite the fresh tears that came.

"I'm so sorry, Rey. I miss you and I'm sorry. You were right and I'm sorry. And I miss you so much…"

Another sob.

He had to leave before this got any worse. He should never have come.

Slowly he began to drag his knees backwards, trying to find the step below her building's doormat so he would at least have the space to get up. He was graceless, dragging the fabric of his expensive pants against the rough surface, and pitched sideways when balance deserted him.

Her hand shot out again at his shoulder, another cry of his name as she tried to catch him, and it felt so good, an eye of calm in the chaos, that he laughed.

"You're the only one left who says my name," he smiled suddenly, eyes so obscured he couldn't even focus on her distraught face.

"Last time you told me to call you Kylo."

"I was a bastard."

"Yes you were."

"A soulless bastard."

"I know."

He laughed again and tried to sniff back against his hand. They stayed like that for a moment- this disheveled man on his knees and the angel in her nightclothes.

"I should go," he said finally.

"Where will you go?"

"I don't know. All I know…is that I'm done."

His nightingale gave a furious huff.

"Would you _stop_ saying that?"

"But it's true. I botched the last film. It's over for me."

A pause.

"I shouldn't have come here," he said, backing up again.

"Ben, stop."

"No," he replied stubbornly, struggling to find his footing on a lower step.

"For once in your life will you just stop and listen to me, Ben Solo?!"

He froze and his eyes grew wide. His standard reaction to throttle anyone who dared use his full name was stonewalled by the reality of the one who just said it, this beautiful apparition, scowling in front of him. Since when did she do that? He faltered, his mouth moving silently before clicking shut. She sighed.

"Come inside," she said quietly.

His heart beat furiously.

"I can't."

"Just….come inside."

When he didn't move, she came closer. Slipping her arm beneath his- when did she become so strong?- she guided him towards the door and,

with a pull of her hand,

he stepped forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END.
> 
> Chapter 3 is just the SAD alternate ending to this fic. Go no further if you're happy with what you've read. If you do venture onto the sad ending, READ THE TAGS. Not playing around, folks. GOT IT??


	3. SAD ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fucking Read The Tags OK- how many times can I say it???

"Brooklyn. Take me to the Greenwood Heights."

As he stared out the window, the lights streamed past. But this time….

He slammed the limo door behind him without a thought and didn't notice as the driver burned rubber to leave him somewhere along McDonald Avenue. The blackness to his right already calling to him like a siren. As he rounded the corner, he tripped over the uneven sidewalk under a busted streetlamp.

_Be more careful, Ben._

_No._

_No?_

_No. I'm coming for you._

Silence on these usually raucous streets.

… _what makes you so sure I'll see you?_

It didn't take much for him to jump the gate. It had been years, but his feet took him through the enveloping darkness as if he'd walked these narrow paths every day.

Because, in a way, he had.

A pointed obelisk rising like a challenge to heaven itself loomed suddenly before him, and reaching the rectangular bed of pink roses, gray now in the night, he fell to his knees.

"There you are, sweetheart," he murmured, and his hand fell to caress the freezing stone.

"Sorry it's been awhile. I couldn't bring myself to see you. You'd hate this. You'd hate it all so much."

The wind blew like a soft, forgiving reply, drying a bit of the sweat on his forehead as he suddenly smiled at the gravestone.

"That's why I've decided….see, I'm done now. All done. So I figured I'd come to you."

 _Ben, you can't,_ came her sweet voice floating through his foggy mind again.

He gave an amused twist of his lip. _oh, but I can._

_Ben—_

_it's ok._

He reached into his jacket pocket, never looking away from her name carved into the rose granite. Granite he'd picked out.

_Just let me…_

He opened his hand and uncapped the syringe.

_here…._

A tear slipped past his cheek as he inserted the needle with care. He pressed the plunger. He didn't stop.

_Ben…_

Was it a trick, or did her voice seem louder?

"I told you…" he gasped, and as the drugs took hold, the high close to overpowering him, he leaned as close to her name as the thorns would let him.

"I am coming…"

His fingers traced her name.

"Rey…" he whispered.

Until his hand fell.

_Rey._

The breeze picked up, rustling the trees, rustling his hair, but he didn't feel it as his eyes stared sightlessly into the roses at his knees where she lay silently waiting. Waiting for him.

And the night…it continued on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look- Don’t get any romantic ideas from this shit because drugs and doing dumb shit make you a stupid fuck like ben alright???
> 
> Check out this song::
> 
> WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD by: Miyavi  
> (Translation: Gise - CoMYVz Crew, Minor corrections by myself)
> 
> What a wonderful world  
> Ah isn’t it worthless  
> Are you seriously fine just worrying?  
> It's foolish to give up without even trying to take a chance.
> 
> Listen up lady  
> You too boy, listen up baby  
> If you live your life embracing these depressing thoughts you won’t care
> 
> It’s not that I wanna act like a good person, or preach like I’m someone important, but  
> Even without knowing why you were born in this world  
> There are people who die without having a chance to say farewell you idiot  
> How about you gather up a little bit of courage and try to wriggle and struggle one more time?
> 
> THAT’S RIGHT, just like that, step by step,  
> Walking forward, it’s okay if you fall  
> Being crushed GOING MY WAY JUST DO IT  
> The road to believing you can do it is open  
> A life where you struggle to walk is REAL, sorry for sounding so carefree and at ease  
> Don’t stop your legs from going down the thorny path okay
> 
> Spinning, spinning, the world is spinning  
> Even if I’m not there  
> While you smile, make a face like you don't care  
> That’s the kind of thing life is.  
> So then- let’s laugh together
> 
> Let’s stick out our chest proudly THAT’S LIFE ALL RIGHT U KNOW MEAN?  
> Take a good look, the dreams and hopes which today and yesterday you entrusted to tomorrow  
> The bustling, wavering flow of time, wherein I search for my self-worth  
> It’s spinning you know, the world.  
> Realize that I’m there up in the sky, wherever you are
> 
> Stop stop, stop the clock  
> My chest suddenly feels like it’ll burst, but
> 
> Changing, changing, It’s okay to look up and cry at scenery that’s changing
> 
> Spinning, spinning, the world is spinning  
> Even if I’m not there  
> While you smile, make a face like you don't care  
> That’s the kind of thing life is.
> 
> So then- let’s laugh together
> 
> LINK (because it's a fuckin great song): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12EPcjp_dfM


End file.
